Sunday, January 5, 2014

The 10 Worst Horror Flicks of 2013 (Plus Some Dishonorable Mentions)

You wanted the best? Well, why did you click on a post with the word "worst" in the title?! Huh, tough guy?! Riddle me that, Edward!

I Spit on Your Grave 2

The very idea of making a sequel to I Spit on Your Grave is already leaning over towards that whole "Exploitation in the worst possible meaning of the word" side of horror even before you find out it's basically a complete beat-for-beat remake of the first except with an added side order of bizarre xenophobia.

Would You Rather?

Despite a wonderful performance by genre titan Jeffery Combs and some great music and set design, this movie simply can't rise above it's torture porn plot of a rich man who gathers a group of desperate people to royally fuck up themselves and each other with the promise that the sole survivor will be handsomely compensated.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

That hype monster can be a tricky bitch can't it, Mandy Lane? How this boring, poorly shot, clichéd teen slasher flick with it's intentionally obnoxious cast of cardboard cutouts ever managed to garner such praise during it's initial festival run it beyond me.


A sad Men In Black rip-off with Jeff Bridges phoning in with his character from True Grit again and Ryan Reynolds trying super hard to act again with a plot-hole-filled script and awful sightgags that fall flatter than Double R's face.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Not just a bad sequel or even bad horror flick, but a bad MOVIE in general, this condescending garbage gets my vote for worst fucking movie of the year. Insultingly stupid writing and casting (really, you're gonna cast a girl who is very obviously in her 20s to play a character that should be in her mid-40s and just assume all horror fans are too mentally regressed to notice?) and completely dull and lackluster directing and photography, I hope everyone involved dies in a fire.

Black Rock

 You know what's wonderful? Screenwriters seem to really be trying to write real, relatable female characters these days. You know what's a big mistake? Screenwriters trying to make their female characters seem smarter by making their male characters insultingly dull and stupid. Despite decent acting and directing, this clichéd tale of three lady friends on a camping trip that goes awry has been done many times over and far better than what we get here.

The Black Waters of Echo's Pond

I think I'm going to call 2013 The Year of Movies About a Group of "Friends" Who All Seem to Genuinely Hate One Another. Basically a horror version of Jumanji, nine "friends" vacationing in a cabin on a secluded island find a weird-ass board game that...possess people, I guess? There are more holes in this plot than a size Small blouse after Kirstie Alley tries to squeeze her mysteriously reappearing bulk inside.

Hatchet III

I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering just how awful Part 2 was, and if I'm being honest this at least wasn't quite as obnoxious, but this third installment the tale of undead T-Rex Victor Crowley is still a poorly made mess.


Man, this is unfortunate, I had really high hopes for this story of a group of friends in Chile trying to survive both the titular aftershocks of a massive earthquake and the rabid gang of prisoners who escape during it. Sadly every character decision is nonsensical and it's direction fairly dull.

Curse of Chucky

I've said everything I can about this disappointing fifth sequel in the Child's Play series in my original review, so I'll just let you do the work for me and you can read that instead of me writing something completely new.

And now, as promised, some dishonorable mentions (ha, see what I did there?).


Yes, this movie looks fucking incredible, sadly the plot is just so fucking stupid. A contrived Hollywood ending, magic space trash that seems to somehow follow Sandra Bullock, one of the most absurd instances of Deux Ex Machina in film history, and a nonsense backstory all combine to, apparently, make a massive hit movie.

American Horror Story: Coven

So, I guess I'm the only one that hates AHS's "hey let's just throw shit at the wall and see what sticks" style of writing?

1 comment:

  1. Nah, I think you're right about AHS. I started this season, can't bear to finish it out.